


What Am I Now

by Dolimir



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-22
Updated: 2011-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:44:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dolimir/pseuds/Dolimir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair deals with the Lash incident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Am I Now

**Author's Note:**

> It always seemed like Blair’s friends were getting killed off in the show, so while I was actively writing Sentinel I wanted to create a stable of characters I could use in stories. I used a lot of those characters in this story. I also created a background for Blair as well. If you're curious about the characters or the situations I describe in this story, I have links at the bottom to link you to the stories.

The second time Blair met Jim, they were both run over by a garbage truck. If he had been thinking clearly, Blair would have taken the incident as a foreshadowing of things to come. But at the time, all he could focus on was Jim saying he’d accept Blair’s help.

Their third time together found them on a bus with a ticking bomb and a madwoman seeking revenge. While they managed to save everyone on the bus, the ensuing explosion took a huge chunk out of the Green Street Bridge. Even though the next day he made Blair promise never to use the term again, Jim had introduced Blair to a fellow detective as his ‘partner’ and everything else faded to oblivion.

The fourth time they got together, he was taken hostage by members of the Sunrise Patriots, who threatened to kill everyone in the police station. Although he had been terrified beyond reason at the time, he was later rather stoked about having bluffed Kincaid into thinking he was a cop, and the helicopter pilot into landing. He could even admit, much to his chagrin, that the praise the officers and detectives heaped on him was pretty heady stuff.

While Naomi had always been a blithe spirit fluttering through life like a butterfly in search of nectar, she had never allowed Blair to stick his head in the sand. They either dealt with a problem…or they didn’t, but they always, at least, acknowledged the problem.

Looking back on his very brief association with Jim, Blair recognized a distinct and dangerous pattern taking shape. As he was trying to figure out a way to help Jim deal with his senses while on the job, he was ignoring the fact that he was putting himself in some fairly risky situations. Yes, finding a living, breathing sentinel in modern society was a coup that had made his advisory board salivate with anticipation, but Blair was beginning to think the risks might -- just might -- outweigh the benefits. Even the subtle flirty thing they both did but refused to acknowledge wasn’t enough to justify sticking around and waiting for some loon to cut his career short.

Gamely, though, he decided to stay focus on the task at hand and, after a few weeks of peaceful observations and ride-alongs, he was pleased with his decision not to bail.

But the law of averages struck once again and Blair found himself being shot at, not once, but twice, with both incidents pumping him so full of adrenaline that he took up jogging as a way to deal with the stress.

Try as he might, he couldn’t find a way to connect his warehouse blowing up to his association with Jim. In fact, had it not been for Jim, he and Larry could have been seriously injured. When Jim agreed, albeit reluctantly, to take Blair in so he wouldn’t be homeless, Blair thought he had hit the jackpot. He now had the opportunity to observe Jim in his home environment, with no one shooting at them or blowing things up around them.

When the week deadline passed and Jim didn’t mention his moving out, he was confident his need to be out in the field to observe Jim was a thing of the past, although avoiding ‘field’ situations turned out to be easier said than done.

He hadn’t been blowing smoke when he’d told Jim that anthropology was a lot like investigating crime, although his mysteries were usually a few thousand years dormant by the time he came across them. Blair had always had a weakness for puzzles, and he found himself intrigued that his ability to look at things outside of the box might actually help people. He might have contented himself in his role as observer and sidekick if David Lash hadn’t happened.

But David Lash had happened.

Lash had seen his enthusiasm and his unconventional appearance and decided he could psychically ingest them. If it hadn’t been for Jim’s abilities…

If Jim hadn’t arrived when he did…

Jim told him several times that he had done everything right; and yet, Blair could still hear the terror in Jim’s voice as he raced up the stairs after he had killed Lash, but before he knew if Blair was all right or not. Jim had been genuinely scared for Blair. Still under the influence of the Trichloroethanol, Blair had wondered inanely if Lash had actually succeeded in ingesting him and had somehow left his twisted soul where Blair’s had once been.

After spending the night in the emergency room and the following morning cleaning up the loft, they went down to the station so Blair could give his statement and they could finish their remaining reports. The detectives in the bullpen razzed him good-naturedly and he accepted the teasing for the expression of relief that it was.

He put on a stoic face, making everyone believe that it was just another day of riding with Jim. And wasn’t it saying something that everyone believed him? Jim not having an official partner was suddenly making a whole lot more sense.

After the paperwork was finished, he and Jim went to lunch and he even genially paid the bill. After all, it was the least he could do for the man who had kept him from being drowned in a duck pond. When he joked about them being even, Jim nearly snorted his diet coke through his nose.

“So, Chief, you ready to head back to the bullpen?”

“I’m going to have to beg off, if you don’t mind. The investigation seriously put me behind on my grading. You wouldn’t believe how cranky students get when you don’t turn their papers back the same week they were due.”

“Ugly, huh?”

“That might be a most politically incorrect way of putting it, but essentially yes.”

Jim laughed and jovially slapped Blair’s shoulder. “Far be it from me to stop the wheels of education. Will you be home for dinner or are you going to find Christine and do a little groveling?”

“I think the papers are going to have to come first, man. The law of averages, you know? One angry woman versus two classes of pissy freshmen.”

“Any chance you’ll be home around dinner time?”

“I should be. If I’m not finished with the papers by then, I’ll just bring them with me.”

Jim nodded, looking pleased. “Good. Hey, I’ll even cook.”

“You better, seeing as it’s Wednesday.”

Flashing him a mischievous grin, Jim whapped him lightly on the back of his head. “Right. I’ll see you tonight then.”

Later, no matter how hard he thought about it, Blair couldn’t remember the drive to his office. Or the next two hours for that matter. He just prayed he hadn’t run anyone over or talked to any students. No telling what he might have said.

His next moment of consciousness found him sitting on the floor in the corner of his office; knees drawn to his chest and the palms of his hands pressed against his forehead.

Blair could admit he’d been something of a trouble magnet even before he started riding with Jim. While his trip to Irian Jaya had resulted in a series of academic papers about the Kambai Tree people that took the anthropology world by storm, it had also resulted in his almost getting scalped.

No one had ever accused Blair of being an adrenaline junkie but, if he was honest with himself, he could admit that weird things always seemed to happen to him. After all, how many people got stranded in Grand Erg de Bilma in Niger in August without water?

But the incident with Lash had taken trouble magnetism to a whole new level.

This time he had no one to blame but himself. He had been arrogant enough to think he could solve the puzzle of Lash’s behavior. Despite Jim’s warnings, it seemed he couldn’t stop himself from meddling in police affairs. He also knew himself well enough to accept that this was a pattern he was, in all likelihood, going to repeat again and again if he kept observing Jim.

A random notion drifted out of the ether and caught his attention, refusing to let him go -- had he collected enough empirical data to finish his thesis? The thought made him get to his feet and stumble toward his desk. Flopping into his chair, he booted up his laptop and opened his file on Jim. After skimming the files he knew he’d like to have more, but realized that he could, theoretically, get by on what he had.

Unfortunately, Jim still didn’t have a very good handle on his senses. He was getting better at using them, but he still had a long way to go, and Blair knew he could never abandon the man who seemed to be making a habit of saving his life. On a shallower note, Blair knew he couldn’t give up having Jim touch him. It always felt like a promise not yet fulfilled, and he still had hope that his patience would eventually be rewarded.

“What are you doing here, B?”

Blair nodded genially at the intruder in his doorway. “Hey, Jesse. What’s up?”

“Don’t you dare ‘what’s up’ me, Blair. Answer the question.”

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here’? I work here, remember?”

“Don’t make me get Janice.”

Pushing his chair back from the desk, he held his hands up in surrender. “Whoa, whoa. What’s with the big guns?”

The brunette pushed herself into the room, dropped her backpack by Blair’s desk and plopped into the spare chair directly across from him. Her eyes seemed to reach down into his soul and Blair rubbed his pant leg to assure himself he wasn’t naked. “What are you doing here, sweetie?” she asked in a surprisingly gentle voice.

He blinked at her in confusion. “Grading papers.”

“And how long have you been at it?”

Blair focused slowly on his watch, feeling like he was still under the influence of Trichloroethanol. “About two hours.”

“And how’s that coming along?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Have you talked to anyone yet about what you went through?”

“It just happened yesterday, Jesse.”

“Which brings me back to my original question.” She raised her hand to cut off his protest. “Is the PD going to provide you with any sort of counseling?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“Because I know for a fact that you haven’t been in here grading papers for the last two hours.”

“I--”

But before he could complete his objection, she bent over and pulled her backpack into her lap. Blair watched in surreal fascination as she pulled two large stacks of papers out of her pack.

“Dana, Mike, Tommy, Danny and I thought you could use some help.” She laid the papers in front of him. “Mike even hacked your code and entered the grades for you.”

While part of him was grateful beyond belief, another part of him was horrified. “You guys shouldn’t have.”

“We didn’t know what else to do for you.”

“I could have--”

“Like you have for the past two hours?”

“That’s not--”

“What? Fair?” A single tear ran down the right side of her nose. “Like being kidnapped and almost murdered was?”

“Jesse.” Blair got out of his chair, moved around his desk and kneeled beside his friend. She turned her head, refusing to look at him. Undeterred, he gathered her into his arms.

A sob escaped her as she turned and hugged him tight. He could feel a knot building in his throat and was afraid if he released it he would shatter into a thousand pieces. Neither of them spoke for several moments until Jesse finally broke the silence. “I said I wouldn’t cry.”

“I won’t tell the gang,” he promised.

She huffed in amusement and buried her face into his neck. “I was so scared for you.”

“I know, but I’m okay. Truly.”

She pulled back from him with a start, then cupped her hands around his cheeks as she studied his face. “How can you be?”

“I knew Jim would find me.”

“Blair--”

“I’m not saying I’m not a little messed up at the moment,” he said quickly. “I just--”

“Blair, you really should talk to someone.”

“And tell them what?” Blair rocked back on his heels and stood. Nervous energy compelled him to pace beside the desk. “Tell them I was afraid I was going to die? Well, I was. But Lash is dead and I know he can’t hurt me anymore.” He stopped, and sighed until he felt as if his whole body had deflated. Absently, he ran a hand back through his hair. “If I had listened to Jim, I would never have been in that situation in the first place. I just thought I could--”

“Help?”

“Yeah, sort of stupid in retrospect.”

Jesse shot to her feet, anger clearly written over her tear-streaked face. “No, it’s not. We both know you’ve helped people since you started your ride with Jim. And let’s not forget Jim, who’s been letting you help.”

“Hey, you’re not trying to blame…”

“No.” Jesse shook her head. “I’m not blaming Jim. But I think you should talk to him. Remember, he’s been doing this cop thing for a lot longer than you have.”

Blair huffed in aggrieved amusement. “He said I needed to learn to separate myself from what was going on, that I had to do whatever it took to stay present.”

“That was the cop talking. You should find out what the man has to say.”

“You think the answer will be different?”

Jesse took a step closer to him and tenderly patted his cheek. “I know it will.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“Hey, Chief.”

Blair stopped, startled. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even checked to see if Jim’s truck had been parked downstairs. He chastised himself for not paying more attention to his surroundings. But, of course, it wasn’t Lash who had greeted him; it was his roommate cooking something divine in the kitchen. Realizing he was staring, he shut the front door and put on his best face. “Hey, Jim. Smells good in here. What are you doing home so early?”

“Simon decided to give me the rest of the day off. How about you? Are you done with all of your grading already?”

After shrugging off his backpack and setting it under the coat rack, Blair pulled off his coat and hung it on a hook. “The gang decided to pitch in and do it for me.” He closed the distance between them. “Etouffee?”

“Yep.”

“I’m impressed, Jim. I had no idea you could cook Creole.”

Jim graced him with a smile that told Blair he didn’t have a clue what Jim could and couldn’t do. “I’ve always thought that I was probably from New Orleans in a past life.”

“Really? I wonder if you were a sentinel then, too?”

Dipping his spoon into the pot, Jim offered Blair a taste of his creation. Blair took it and blew on the sauce for a moment before he tried it. “Oh. That’s really good. Are you sure the spices aren’t going to wreak havoc on your senses?”

Jim shook his head. “If they do, I have no doubt you’ll be able to work your regular magic.”

Blair felt his face flush with pleasure. Afraid his countenance would reveal too much, he turned toward the front door, grabbed his backpack and headed for his room. “How long until we eat?”

“I think the seasoning will be ready in about two or three hours.”

Blair nodded, then ducked into his room.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“Sandburg! Sandburg, wake up. Chief, come on. Wake up!”

Blair’s eyes sprang open, his heart in his throat as he tried to focus on the person sitting on the bed beside him. For the first few seconds of consciousness, he struggled against the grip on his arms, but as the shape in front of him slowly morphed from Lash into his roommate he fell back against the mattress. “Jim?”

Jim didn’t remove his hands from Blair’s arms but his voice was gentle. “That’s quite a nightmare you were having there, Chief.”

“Did I wake you?” The mere thought mortified him.

“No. It’s only about seven, but I think the etouffee is ready. I should probably have let you sleep, but given everything that’s happened over the past few days, I thought a hot meal would do you a world of good.”

“Etou…” Blair shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts. “Of course. I’ll, uh, I’ll be right there.”

Jim, however, didn’t leave. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Even to his own ears, the answer seemed rather brusque.

“You know, it’s okay not to be,” Jim told him softly.

Blair felt Jim’s hands fall away as he raised his own to his face and tried to scrub the sleepiness away from his eyes. He released a long slow breath, then focused back on his roommate. “What are you trying to say, Jim?”

Jim looked distinctly uncomfortable, although his eyes held Blair’s. “This thing with Lash…”

“I thought you said I did everything right.”

“You did.” Jim sat up straighter. “Hell, most cops wouldn’t have handled the situation half as well as you did.”

“Then what are you saying?”

Jim closed his eyes as if praying for strength. “I’m saying that you’ve been to hell and back. There are natural repercussions to that sort of trauma and you shouldn’t ignore them.”

Blair propped his elbows on the mattress behind him. “I’m fine. Tell Simon I’m not going to try to nullify the waiver I signed.”

Shaking his head as if disappointed, Jim’s eyes pierced Blair as if they had somehow found a way to examine his soul and found him lacking. “This isn’t about Simon or the department, Chief. It’s about you and how you’re handling what happened.”

The rebuke stung, but Blair continued on gamely. “I’ll be okay.”

“Your nightmare says otherwise.”

Blair flopped back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling. “It’s just a nightmare, Jim. If you ever meet my mom, I’m sure she’ll tell you that I’m rather prone to them. But I know, absolutely know that Lash is dead, even if my subconscious is taking its time processing everything. He can’t hurt me anymore. You made sure of that.”

“Processing?” A ghost of a smile played at Jim’s lips.

“Yes, processing.” Blair tried to sound annoyed, but he knew his smile was ruining the effect.

“There’s no crime in asking for help.”

Blair snorted in amusement as he maneuvered his legs around Jim so that he could sit beside him. “Yeah, right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jim’s frown spoke the volumes his voice did not.

Blair nudged Jim with his shoulder and pointedly looked at him. “Would you go to a shrink?”

“If I…” Jim trailed to a stop as his eyes met Blair’s once again. “That is…”

“The answer’s no and we both know it.” Blair stood and began to pace next to the bed. “Besides, as you said, I just need to stay in the moment and not let things like this distract me.”

“Not let things like…” Jim trailed to a stop. “Sandburg, you’ve gone through something that very few people experience, let alone survive.”

Blair turned and faced him. “And if it had been you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what would you be doing right now if you had been the one taken by Lash?”

“But I wasn’t,” Jim countered softly.

Blair raised his hands to the ceiling in exasperation. “Humor me here. Hypothetically speaking, what would you be doing?”

Jim gave him a small shrug. “I’d probably be working on a three day bender and nailing everything in sight.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t think I see your point.”

“You’d work through it on your own. Without help. I think I’m capable of doing the same.”

“Chief--”

Blair dropped his chin to his chest. “Look, I may not be a cop, but I can handle this. I don’t need you thinking of me as a liability.”

“I don’t.”

Blair met Jim’s gaze. “Good, because it’s just going to take me a few days to…”

“Process?”

“Exactly. In the meantime…”

Blair turned and found himself face to face with Jim. “Jim?”

As if it was acting with a will of its own, Jim’s right hand came up and brushed a sweat-dampened lock from Blair’s face. “What if I don’t want you working on this by yourself?”

“What do you mean?” Blair asked in confusion.

Jim closed his eyes and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. He breathed in deeply, as if trying to memorize Blair’s scent. “I thought I’d lost you,” he said, barely above a whisper.

“You saved me.” Tentatively, Blair placed his hand in the center of the sentinel’s chest and watched Jim’s lids fluttered closed. “You were the only one who could.”

Jim’s eyes popped open as his eyes searched Blair’s for some sort of reassurance. “This isn’t about your thesis.”

“Of course not.” Blair huffed in disgust and tried to pull back, but Jim wrapped his arms around Blair’s torso and pulled him closer.

“Did he make you have second thoughts about us? About helping me?”

“I won’t say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, but I also know that I can’t leave you. Not yet. Not while you’re still struggling to get a handle on your senses.”

Jim backed him against a wall. “Is that the only reason?”

Blair leaned his forehead against Jim’s chest. “I wish I could say it was.”

“What?”

But Blair couldn’t bring himself to answer the question.

“Sandburg,” Jim pleaded softly.

“I was trying to figure out earlier today why I didn’t just pull up stakes. Being around you seems like a rather risky place to be.”

He could feel Jim nodding above him. “And what did you decide?”

“That despite your life being dangerous, I couldn’t leave you.”

“Because?”

Blair looked up as Jim’s voice took on a prompting tone. In the two months that he had known Jim, Blair had never seen the sentinel look so vulnerable.

“Jim?”

“Just tell me I’m not in this alone.”

Swallowing hard, Blair shook his head. “You aren’t.”

“This probably isn’t the most appropriate time to start something.”

“Probably not,” Blair agreed.

A slow smile spread over Jim’s face.

“You won’t regret this in the morning, will you?” The words slipped unbidden from Blair’s mouth and he felt a blush wash over him in a wave.

But instead of laughing, Jim took Blair’s chin in his fingers and forced him to meet his eyes. “While my temperament may occasionally cause me to regret some of my actions, I will never regret bringing you into my life. Ever. You’re helping me figure out just who and what I am.”

“Just as you’re doing for me.”

“So what would you say you are now?”

Blair brushed his lips against Jim’s. “Yours.”

 

\-----------------------------------------

The story where I talk about Blair almost getting scalped is called [Ties Which Bind](http://www.squidge.org/archive/archive/9/tieswhich.html)

Blair talks about his adventure in Niger in a ficlet entitled [Heat](http://www.livejournal.com/users/dolimir_k/119210.html).

Jesse was first introduced in my story [The Day After](http://www.skeeter63.org/wolfpupsden/fanfiction1/thedayafter.html).

Janice was first introduced in my story [Through Another's Eyes](http://www.skeeter63.org/wolfpupsden/fanfiction1/throughanotherseyes.html).

Dana, Mike, Tommy, Danny were also introduced in the story [The Ties Which Bind](http://www.squidge.org/archive/archive/9/tieswhich.html)


End file.
